Thank you to the people that replied to my journal. :)

Nothing really has happened in the last few days. Just school and work. Valentines day is upon us.. and to be honest I do not feel like my boyfriend is going to do anything for it. We haven't been together for very long, so I can kinda understand why we wouldn't really celebrate it, but at the same time, I don't see why we wouldn't. I don't know. He hasn't mentioned it at all, even when I ask him if he wants to celebrate it... so who knows. Maybe ill get surprised. I did get him tickets to go and see the Terracotta army at the ATL museum for this Sunday..maybe at the vest least he will take me out to dinner after that.. but not guarantee.
Sadly I feel like I am not happy in my new relationship... but I want to be. I feel like I always have to compete for attention, and I don't like it. Now, im not the type of girlfriend that has to have all the attention on me, im really not. I'm actually really easy to please, but he doesn't do the things that I consider "the basics" Like kissing and holding hands, he isn't into that.. at all. He will kiss every once in a while.. but not often enough for me to be happy about it. I know that people are different, and I happen to have dated a guy before James that we very touchy feeley, so it might not be that James doesn't do it, he just doesn't do things like I have become accustomed to. I don't know.. maybe im just looking to much into it or something. I just don't want to date another guy that is to into himself to be into me, and me miss the signs telling me that.

In other words.... I'm not looking forward to this weekend.

Other news.. im waiting on my 8:00 class to start. Yeah.. I have a late class. I always get stuck with these. I would just skip this one and go home since I have to wait another hour before it starts, but there is this girl that is suppose to show up to give me my notes back from when I let her borrow them almost three weeks ago and the test is Monday so I need these notes. This girl has pissed me off to. I had her in a different class, and she was all nice and good, made good frieds, yada yada. She is now in this class and she came the first week.. missed the second and third, borrowed my notes from the 4 classes that she missed and hasn't been back to class since she got the notes and I am pissed off. She has been "sick" for almost 3 weeks.. if you were sick that long, you need to go to the hospital. bottom line... and give me back my fucking notes.

Ok, got that rant out. Go me. :)

I want food! I would say that James will have dinner done by the time I get home like I do for him on the days I get home first.. but that hasn't happened in about a month... so no food looking forward to when I get home. As you can all tell, im kinda down on my relationship.

Going to go and read now until the class starts..

Wholly Hell! I post! YAY!

umm.. yeah. Its been like.. a year. Im so terrible with keeping up with these things. Do people even read them anymore? And yes, please reply if you read this.. its suppose to be a subtle hit. :)

Umm.. new stuff. I live with my new boyfriend! His name is James and he is the awesome. I like him very very much, and when I moved in I became the proud parent of 4 cats and a dog. Yeah... they all like to sleep on top of me to. Its sweet in a squished type of way. Here is the scenario: Full size bed, two humans, four cats, and a Alaskan malamute husky (AKA: BIG DOG). Jes.. I love my life though.

Im still in school. I was suppose to graduate May 2010 but my wonderful advisor didn't tell me about three specific classes that I need to take in a row, one semester each.. so now I graduate in December 2010. Blah. But I will graduate one day...hopefully... either that or ill be a full time student. Now, here is the kicker! I am a communications major with a concentration in media studies.. sounds nice right. Well.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITH IT ONCE I GRADUATE! So maybe its a good thing ill be in school a little bit longer than I have planned.

Oh, I have new hobbies. Well, not really new... I use to have them, and then lost them, but James (the awesome new boyfriend) got me to pick them back up. So now I go camping and hiking and stuff again. I shall soon buy a kayak and play on lakes. Oh! I have a new backpack. Not school backpack.. but like.. bit ones that you carry all of your stuff in for days/weeks at a time and you go hiking and sleep on the floor.. in a tent. Oh, and I got boots! In other words ive been camping and soon to be backpacking. I like my new hobbies.. I loose weight with them, and get fresh air.. and I get to look at pretty stars. :)

Thats it really. I need to get to class. What ever happened to Veronica, and Kat? Does anyone know? They have poofed.

BYES!! Ill try to write again soon... maybe...

Wow, seriously? 14 weeks. I should update more, even though there are only about 2 or 3 people who will read this.

Humm... what shall I say. Im back in school and its going really well. I am taking 5 classes, all on Monday and Wed. I have a nice 4 hour gap inbettween my first 3 and my last two, so its good study time. Its actually the main reason why I have gotten all of my reading done so far this semester.

I just moved. :) Thats very exciting. I was living with a family who drove me up the wall, I could go on forever about the crap they did, like eat my food, use my computer when I wasn't home, over all just not considerate of my living there. My new place is nice, I have my own bed room and bath room on the lower level of the house (its a split level) and the other 2 people who live there are on the upper level. Every body is really nice also, and when I frist moved in we discussed "rules." Basically, don't eat each others food, or go into each others rooms, or take each others parking spots and be over all considerate... in other words, the do excatly what I wished the other place I lived would do.

Got a new tatoo of sea turtles in Hawaii...

Still working at Joes Crab Shack....

Cleaning 3 houses for more money over school times...

And thats it... :)

Gunna get food now.

Oh, dragon con was the awesome! Ill elaborate more on that later.!

Im still sick, which sucks, but things are getting better. My wisdome teeth, or where they once were, are healing nicely and I get my stiches out on Wednesday. Sadly I have gotten a really bad cold bug while I was trying to heal, so I have called out of work for the whole weekend just so I can get better. This sucks really bad as far as the financial end goes, but my wonderful family is helping me out with that so that I can pay my bills on time.

Speaking of family. I am home in Newnan right now. After calling out of work my mom told me to come home and let her take care of me. So I did. It was an awesome choice, and I do feel better. She made me a wonderful dinner, along with an ever better breakfast thing morning. Breakfast consisted of eggs, french toast (one of my favorite things), and sausage. It was awesome in every way. She is the best mom ever in the whole wide world.

I got all good grades in school. I got two B's and an A. I still have HOPE, so im quite happy.

Right now I am working on getting a full time job. This is hard inbetween getting my teeth out and trying to go to Hawaii to see my brother Joe. So the plan is is to do my best, and then hoepfully once I get back from Hawaii Ill have one. Wish me luck :)

I am sorry for thoes I have not talked to in a while. This mainly means John. I love you John, I am truly sorry I have not spoken to you much in the last few months. I have been really busy, which still isn't an excuse because you are my friend and I shouold talk to you reguardless, but its all I can come up with. My life has been hetic. Between being constantly sick and working and school... well.. yeah. I have also been trying to spend more time with family. So I am sorry and the next time I am online and you are to, you shall hear from me.

Well, thats really about it. I saw a really really old friend today at wal-mart. Well, not really a friend because his g/f banded him from talking to me for reasons im not going to get into, but I will say I do kinda miss his friendship. I know that we might not ever talk again, but getting a quick glimpse of him at wal-mart with my mom at least let me know he was alive and well, so thats better than nothing. :)

Still single, sucks. It really does suck when while you have a boyfriend everyone hits on you, and once your single no on wants you. Why does that happen? I am happy though. Marshall and I are good friends and there is a part of me that really wan'ts to get back with him, but he doesn't want to try it again, which is probably for the best as of right now, but still... I just wish someone would find me cute enough to ask out on a date. *shrugs* Not really that down about it though, i have good friends to hang out with. I always believe that you didn't need a guy to be happy, but they are good intertainment.

Bye!

Well, I have gotten my wisdom teeth out. All four of them are sitting nicely in this little pouch because I wanted to take them home with me. Yesterday sucked, but Marshall wonderfully took care of me the entire night, and today things are going well, im just really swollen. I do have this wonderful cookie and cream pudding though which I have been happily munching on the entire day, along with some soup that Marshall bought me.

So thats it really. :)

Back to bed I go.

I have made an A this semester. :) Im so proud of myself. So, I got an A and two B's. This is also known as: Hillary is keeping HOPE yet again!

Thats it really.

I finally get done with all of my exams! and guess what happens, I get really fucking sick. This makes me so mad b/c I was looking forward to a happy next few days before I go back to work full time, but nooo, I had to get sick.

Update.

My chinchilla is back with me, and she is happy and healthy, and currently running on a huge wheel made just for her. :)

I am procrastinating on doing my research for my speech that I have to give this up coming Monday, Im just not into it today. Ive done so much studying that I am burnt out. I cant wait for this semester to be over. Im ready for my summer break. Good news though. I have a good change to get all A's this semester.

I have currently lost almost 20 pounds, and still loosing slowly but surly. :) Ive always wanted to loose weight, but this time its nice to actually plan to do it, and then do it. Hopefully by the time I go to Hawaii in June ill be the size I want to be.

I shall be 21 in a month and 4 days. I am quite excited about this because..well..its my 21st b-day! Who wouldn't be excited.

Thinking about getting a new job. Not making much money at Joe's and I'm ready to work somewhere that is more steady year around and less seasonal. Speaking of money.....

Bad News: Some Jackass stole $565 out of my student loan account. I have done everything that I can, I have filed a police report and called the bank who supplies the cards and stuff and filed with them, and they said that if they can prove that it is fraud then I can get my money back. I did my research and found out that the place my card number was used was a place call Floris Bar Paris 9, which is located in Belgium, so I would imagine that they would see it as fraud given the fact that I have never been out of the country and that even if i wanted to go I don't have a pass port, this on top of the fact that I was at my moms house that night, and working the following day when it was actually processed. So yeah, I'm pretty upset, If i don't get this money back I have no clue what I am going to do.

Easter is coming soon, so I get to see my whole family! YAY! Hide easter eggs and all that good stuff.
I guess Ill go and do my research.

I have a pet chinchilla. Her name is Keeley.She is extremely cute and bounces around a lot. She loves to sit in my lap or on my feel when I'm not sitting on the ground. :) Happy day.

School is going well for the most part. I have made good grades so far this semester and hopefully I can walk away with a few A's this semester and not all B's. The only problem is is that I still have no freaking clue what I want to do with my life. Eh! Im at the end of my third year of college and I have yet to accomplish anything. I have no idea what I want to do, but I have to decide soon because I have only like..2 more major classes that I can take. This is extremely stressful.

I have a horriable hair cut! Im also really upset about this. She didnt cut it right, she cut it for someone that has straight hair, and not curly. So now, because its to short, I have to straighten my hair for over a month until I can grow to the length that I really wanted.

Im going to Hawaii this Summer to see Joe again before he goes back to Iraq. :) Yay for Hawaii and the big brother Joe!

Thats is, my head hurt, im going to go to sleep.

I can't freaking sleep! This makes me quite mad to be honest with you. I like sleeping, but for some reason my brain just wont let me do it. For instance, yesterday I went to be pretty late, like 3 in the morning late, and I only slept till 11 when I normally sleep until like 2 or 3. Then I got sleepy early and made sure that I stayed awake till close to midnight just so I could sleep later, because I like sleeping late, and here I am at 7:30 in the morning and still no sleep for me. Maybe I am just getting to much sleep and this is why I keep waking up. Granted I do have lots of crap on my mind, nothing bad, but just stuff. Still frustrating though.

School starts back today for me. Im actually really excited about it. I'm taking 2 communications classes for my major and then taking both my general education history classes this semester. So i'm doing 12 hours. I was thinking about taking a 5th class, but I haven't had a good history of being able to handle a 5th class while working for time to pay the bills. Maybe Ill try it next fall semester or something.

Things that are new to me:
1) I have a crush on someone. This is new because I haven't have a crush on someone in over 4 years. Even though it will probably never develop into anything, still nice to know I'm not emotionally dead. :)

2) I have a pretty new bed set. I know this is probably just stupid to you guys, but for some strange reason having a new bed set makes me happy. I guess it makes me feel like im changing for the better. Having something of my own that I didn't pick out and share with Marshall, ya know, that kind of thing. :) The sheets are this pretty color green with white dots and the duvet comforter is white with randomly spaced big butterfly's on it. I know its kinda girlie for my taste, but I love it.

3) I am completely over Marshall. I don't know, it just hit me about a week ago that I was completely over him. Ready to move on and date, everything. I don't feel like I need him anymore for my life to be happy and complete. I have all my friends and family and plenty of things to do. Its nice. I do hate it that something that lasted for so long ended, but I see it as a good chapter in my life that I can look back on and know that I don' regret spending almost 4 years with him. He made me happy and mad, taught me new things and got me out of Newnan, helped me become the person that I am in some ways.


So thats it really. I am probably going to go and eat some cereal or something. My clock is set to wake me up in about an hour and I don't really know if it would be worth trying to sleep. *shrugs* Oh, my roommate is pissed because I don't want to go out with him. Eh. I told him from the very beginning of us flirting that I don't want a relationship with him for many different reasons, reasons that I did tell him, but its like he doesn't want to listen. So I had to be firm and put my foot down and let him know that if we cant flirt and hang out without him trying to push me into a relationship then we wont flirt and hang out. We will see if he backs off. He's a good guy and I don't want to lose him as a friend, but if he keeps trying to push me into something I don't want to do, then he isn't going to have me as a friend and since I have been so honest with him about not wanting a relationship, the loss of friendship would have been of his own doing. I'm not going to have a guy push me into something I don't want to do, that is what Marshall did and I am not going through that again.

Later guys!

God im so freaking depressed. How do you know if you should try something again? I really miss Marshall, more than I thought that I would. Im scared that I want to get back with him because Im afraid of being alone, not because I want to be with him. God, I hate this. I just want things to be back to normal. I want to be happy again. We cuddled a little bit this morning and It just felt so right. So comfortable, I just felt so safe. I liked it, but im still scared that if we try everything again it might be for the wrong reasons. If we try it again I want it to be because I want him, not because im scared to be without him. *sighs*

Oh, Christmas was good. Had lots of fun family time and stuff. Good presents, not many fights for the most part. All in all very good. Depressing for me though because I didn't have anyone... I dont like spending the holidays alone. :(

Things get worse as soon as I think they are getting better. So, basically Marshall and I had an agreement that we wouldn't talk again until the 12th after we were both done with our exams. The reason behind this was that we were having a hard time not talking to each other so we set a date to kinda talk and catch up and see how things were going for each other, as in, how is he doing with the break up, blah blah blah. This is how I saw it at least.

The way Marshall saw it was that that day was going to be the day that we made something official. *blink* I made it official that we were broken up over 2 weeks ago. So, why does he think this? I have no idea. I tell him that he is wrong and I have made it very clear to him that we are broken up. He says that he knows that, but he saw that day as a day to "finalize" things and here I am thinking they already were.

So now he pulls this: He tells me that we will see each other tomorrow so that he can give me some of my stuff back from his house and that we will be saying goodbye for the last time. He tells me that since I cant make a decision he is making it for me and that we will not be getting together and blah blah blah (pretty much making the decision that I made over 2 weeks ago) He says that unless he completely puts me out of his life he will never be able to get over me. All this is understandable so I am in complete agreement, but I thought that we did this whole thing over 2 weeks ago!

So now I must go through it again, all that pain of saying good bye and everything. God, this sucks. It almost seems like he is trying to find a way to break up with me to feel better, even though I have already broken up with him. As sad as it is, it is for the best. Ive been telling him that we don't need to talk for a while so that he can get over me, but Its almost like he wouldn't listen to me, but now he knows what he must do (which is what I told him he needed to do) and he is making it out that he is making the final decision even though I made it beforehand. At least that is what it seems like to me.

In other news, I got to ride a motorcycle today, it was much fun and makes me giddy when I think about it. :)

Ive got four B's for this semester! NICE! I is happy.

God, im waiting for my grades and it is taking forever! Well, for my econ class at least. The economic exam was the first one that I took, and it's the only one that I don't have back yet. God, I just wanna know what my grade is. So far I've gotten 3 B's, which is awesome. I just want one more B, yell, just tell me what it is regardless if its a B or not!

Spent a few days with my mom and my roommate Jimmy went with me. Had a good time and I got the majority of my Christmas shopping done with, which is awesome. Only have a few more people to get presents for and then I'm done.

Other than that things are going OK I guess. Have a ton of crap on my mind and I know for a fact that Marshall is going to call me tomorrow and I'm not sure if I am looking forward to that. I don't exactly know how the conversation is going to go.

Going to an end of exam party today though, which will hopefully be full of fun and drinking. :)

Blah.

I am done with school for at least a month! YAY! I have no idea how my grades are going to turn out. Hopefully Ill have all B's or something like that, since thats what I usually get anyway. :) Im a B kind of girl.

Im going to take a nap, maybe visit my mom, work on my puzzle, read a book, play video games, something, anything, that equals relaxation. And that is the plan for the next month. :) Wish me luck on being lazy.

My math exam is over! HAH! I have no idea how well I did on it, but I only needed at 61 on it to make a B in the class. I needed an 91 to get an A, but that would fall under being a not possible. :) So here is hoping for a B.

Im bored, I should study for my communications final tomorrow, but I'm kinda burnt out. I wanted to get into the hot tub, but my roommate is passed out and I don't want to go in there alone. *shrugs* Jimmy sleeps way to much. *pout*

But thats the update.

Life...is getting kinda better..sorta. I have two classes done with, and now I have two more to go. The next 2 days will fly by im sure, then Ill get to go to work, god knows i really need to money. So totally planning on picking up some shifts once winder break hits. Must buy presents for peoples and my rent is due on the first of January...which is something that I forgot about completely since I've had it prepaid for the last few months. I really just need to sit down and figure out who im buying presents for, how much I want/can spend and how much money I have right now.

Work is slow, not making much..hence the idea for extra shifts. It will work out, :) It always does.

Still quite depressed, with the whole now knowing what to do without Marshall thing, along with not knowing if i made the right decision. *shoots myself*

Bah! Im half way done with my exams for this week. When Thursday hits I will be completely done. All I want to do it take a nap! Thats it, just wanna take a nap.

This has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. As i'm sure everyone knows Marshall and I have broken up, which is a very painful situation. As far as to why it happened it was basically because I didn't feel like I was worth anything to him. He never gave up anything to be with me. I was what I consider a "convenient" girlfriend. I didnt want a boyfriend who only hung out with me after he did everything he wanted to do. I mean, I know that I shouldn't come first and formost all the time, but this is how it was all the time.

Within the last few months we had the talk about how he needs to give me more attention and actually make me feel like I am worth something to him, and the sad part is that within the last month, he was doing so much better. The problem was was that I was already over it. To long I felt like I wasn't worth anything to him, so when he finally changed all I could think about was the he was doing it just so I wouldn't break up with him. Like he did every time before and went straight back to ignoring me until was was convenient to hang out with me once I was comfortable.

So basically after a few years of being pushed to the side and everything else he did to hurt me, I slowly lost that spark that was between us. I felt like when he did do something nice it was because he felt like he had to and not because he wanted to. And when something nice was done all I would do was cling to that one nice thing until the next nice thing came along. So I broke it off. I will always care about him, he was such a big part of my life, but I feel like I deserve better now. I feel like a very selfish person for breaking up with hem because I think that I just might deserve better, but then I think about how selfish he has been our entire relationship and I figure maybe its my turn.

And thats the story. God I miss him, but I just don't want to feel worthless any longer, even though thats exactly what I feel like right now. Worthless and alone.